At any given time there are literally thousands of mysterious elements out to get you, those elements are known as “toxins” and they are killing you dead right now. Of the many and varied alternative medical practices and products, pretty much all of them are concerned with “toxins” and how to remove them from the fetid pond of putrescence that is your body.
Scientific evidence is nothing in the face of anecdotes and general quackery. Alternative medicine is the only thing in the world that can help you get rid of the dangerous “toxins” that are clogging up your creative pathways and making you sick.
Once you achieve such an enlightened and healthy sense of smug well-being, it’s of utmost importance that you share the good news and tell others about the silly things you’ve been doing to yourself in the pursuit of perfect health.
I’ve taken the time to research some options for you, these are all good ways to get rid of those horrible “toxins” that are making you sick and unable to effectively craft and upcycle.
Mysterious white substances in poorly labelled vials! Let’s eat them! Homeopathy!
Homeopathy: The idea that a substance that causes symptoms of the ailment or disease in healthy people will magically cure similar symptoms of the ailment in sick people. Basically – take a bunch of stuff that may or may not be good for you, and is possibly diluted beyond even having a trace of this magical medicinal property “because water has memory” and it will cure all your problems. Within homeopathy you get lovely related practices like Isopathy – where compounds are made up of the things that cause the disease or actual products of the disease itself – like pus. Nothing will make you feel better than smearing pus on yourself, trust me.
Cupping Therapy: The magic of a vacuum seal all over your back! Said to help with things like infertility and various lady problems. Cupping will assist with psychological well-being in people that will believe anything. The act of wet-cupping introduces the age old practice of bloodletting as well, because if history has proven anything, it’s that draining a person of blood will always help.
Ear Candling: Again, the magic of a vacuum, except this time in your ears! Aside from the possible problems that may arise from holding a lit candle against your head, the warm air current created by the candle will magically suck the toxins from your ear and may set off the smoke alarm – how else will you know it’s working?
Sun Gazing: The power of the sun unleashed all over your optic nerves. People who believe in sun gazing are said to be able to survive without food because they harvest all their energy from the sun – like plants, which science has proven still need things like nutrients to live, but since when has science ever stopped people from doing stupid things? If it doesn’t make you blind, it will cure everything wrong with you.
And finally -
Trepanation: Drilling a hole in one’s head for no good reason. By opening up a hole in your head you will release the magical power of your third eye and let your brain breathe, there by releasing all of those “toxins”that are building up in there. When people say “I need that like I need a hole in my head” the obviously do not know the medical benefits of having a hole in your head.
Doesn’t this look like it’s going fix all your problems?
If you have done all of these alternative medical practices and still find yourself alive and plagued by “toxins’, then I suggest a good round of the lemonade fast and a trip into to woods to commune with nature. Pack up your lemon juice, cayenne pepper and maple syrup concoction and head to the nearest crop of trees, make yourself a little nest from leaves and twigs and settle in for a good stay. Or you could try kale.
Photo credit: kh1234567890 / Foter.com / CC BY-NC-ND
Photo credit: Luciana Christante / Foter.com / CC BY-NC-ND
